February 2009
1 post
Onward
I’ve come over to the Google blog hosting service because it has more features. God knows I love features.
Here is a link to the new blog.
http://patrickmeaney.blogspot.com/
See you on the other side, dudes!
January 2009
4 posts
Cost-saving at Fox
[I promise to stop doing bullet-point gags.]
Switching from Cisco IT software to Reagan-era Disko software.
Coin-operated bathroom stalls, roll-top doors, desk drawers.
Selling $12 beers at the commissary, setting a 2-drink minimum, firing workers who drink at work, re-serving untouched drinks.
Ditching “Going green”; now “Burning whatever burns”.
Doubling Simpsons output by releasing old...
“Put aside childish things” means “Quit buying...
There is no reason for anyone to have any of the following in this economy (going from low- to high-income splurges):
Lotto tickets: you ain’t gonna win.
fake jewelry: you’re saving money on looking really stupid
$200 sneakers: don’t buy shoes endorsed by a celebrity who will never possibly find that you exist
Billy Mays products: you can bedazzle your oxiclean, but...
Top Movies of 2008/09
To be honest, I don’t see a lot of movies. I didn’t see the following, but I saw various promotional materials, which are noted after each title. Since these media usually don’t tell you the ending, I’ve interpreted and extrapolated what I think would be a reasonable wrap-up for these movies to save myself time and money.
MARLEY AND ME (posters and preview): A new yellow...
Tom shares with me his chili, then his chili...
[I eat the chili and send him this email]:
“Oh shit damn! That’s good chili! Having good meat in it makes a huge difference. Also, the nuclear amounts of spice don’t hurt.” [He writes back]:
“Thank you. I rolled the spices in a waxy protein material that will dissolve after being in your stomach for one hour. That way it doesn’t taste that spicy going...
December 2008
9 posts
Gamers and Lamers
I consider myself a serious gamer. I’ve killed literally hundreds of monsters in 2-D or 3-D cyber-worlds ranging from Asteroid, Doom II, Doom I (demo only), plus a bunch of old Apogee games I found online for free. I also played Half Life one time, but it was pretty scary, so I went outside. For these reasons, I think I’ve got a solid handle on the mindset of a hardcore gamer.
Or...
Keep Bush On
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7782422.stm
While the US has suffered greatly under its most irresponsible and inept presidency in recent memory, the Bush administration is finally beginning to turn out some real gold. There was the EU conference where no European leader would look Bush in the eye (let alone shake his hand) as they marched out for a photo op, his kissing Barbara Streisand...
Virgin and Child
All religious images re-uploaded in fabulous high-resolution!
My brother pointed out that “tumble” isn’t really a cycle. He ought to get excommunicated.
Martyrdom of St. Patrick
I think this is how he died. Or a leprechaun turned him into a snake.
Deposition from the Cross
This way seems more likely than getting ladders and shit.
Annunciation Scene
The angel dances back-up for the non-virgin Madonna these days.
Last Supper
Jesus didn’t seem to mind when the proprietor banned him for life.
Welcome to Fox, a note from Zorro Reynard, CEO of...
As you read this brief note, dear employee, rest assured I am nowhere in your vicinity. I did not craft this note as a mere blind to distract you from some prank or practical joke I am setting up against you. You read this of your own volition, as you are truly a master of what happens to you, a captain of your dignity and fate. Rest assured, everything is in its right place. Your stapler to...
The year was 2008, and the word on every lip...
[cue honky tonk piano music]…GOLD! Gold fever! Everybody had it. It was bigger than la grippe, typhus and herpes put together, with similar symptoms to boot. There wasn’t a man-jack east of Oakland who hadn’t wondered at the myths of this magical metal seemingly immune to the feminine ebb and flow of Wall Street. While sub-prime mortgagers and mortgagees roiled in the...
November 2008
7 posts
The Scorn Scale
FILLS ME WITH SCORN Ceaseless & pithy irony (hipsters) “Free” credit report advertisements Talk Radio (esp. on AM frequencies)
MILDLY INSPIRES SCORN Vampires Comic Books as “Literature” Gourmets
NOT EVEN WORTH THE SCORN The Christian God SNL Sarah Palin (for now)
BBC Headlines
Mexican scientists turn tequila into diamonds
Columbians riot over pyramid scam
‘Love handles’ raise death risk
Songbirds ‘sing from hymn sheet’
More Time to Kill
TV SHOW IDEAS:
PHILOSOPHY YOU KNOW: A man and a woman discuss aesthetics, spirituality, and sensuality using only cliches and banter fodder, gathered by a Google-searching program. No sources are cited, no points are refuted, no one wins or learns anything. Hosted by Wanda Sykes and Dane Cook.
DURESS: Contestants are asked if they could withstand physical stress via mild torture. They are...
Memo to America from our new Commander in Chief
My subjects,
As the would-be Messiah you have made me out to be, I now hold your hopes, dreams, and last-standing beliefs in my eager, powerful hands. To say I am a false prophet would be itself a falsehood, the same as saying I am the son of God. For I am God’s Usurper, the Will of the Universe, the highest foam and brightest gleam on this unctuous sea of humankind. I am the hammer, you...
October 2008
30 posts
I make a long anagram joke.
While many have lauded Sarah Palin for coming out and saying what so many of us have been thinking all along this election—that women should not be in politics—I take issue with the idea of her being a woman, or more to the point, the idea of her being human. I recently unearthed a story (in a dream about unearthing a story) which gives credence to my theory.
In my dream, I stood on a...
Nietzsche's Birthday Party
Today is Fritz’s 164th birthday. However, because he died in 1900 at the age of 55, Mr. Nietzsche will not be in attendence. Guests are invited to criticise themselves in the philosopher’s absence.
Have we learned nothing?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7668070.stm “Expedition set for ‘Ghost Peaks’”
Mountains beneath the ice sheet? Unaccountably so. Says Dr. Robin Bell, “They shouldn’t be there.” Continental collision could have created the Gamburtsevs 500 million years ago, but they would have eroded in the intervening eras. No evidence of a hot spot in the...
Fight America, Fight! [after John McCain]
As Americans, we never give up. We don’t know the meaning of failure. We know the meaning of words like freedom, liberty, and picante. We work hard, love our women, fight our enemies, pay our taxes, go it alone, take it to the hole, could go all the way, want to rock and roll all night, and party every day. We are Americans. We are Joe Average, Joe Six-Pack, GI Joe, and Joe Namath.
...
Chimerical Proposal, Pt. II
Human-policy expert and America-outsider Mark Goldberg has weighed in on a few issues the de Meyer Campaign has yet to address. He adds to the earlier list:
10. Space Exploration: What’s above? New planets to conquer.
11. Climate Change: Dust and drought will not settle down here! De Meyer will ensure that the earth’s landscapes are not limited to cities, oceans, dump fields, and...
Murdoch
I have no idea what Rupert Murdoch looks like. I drew a picture of how I imagined him before checking to see if a name is any indication of a person’s physiognimy.
Halloween Countdown: Day V8 of XxX
I bought my costume this weekend: “Valiant Knight”. It includes a mail coif, an emblazoned tunic (blazon: Sable, a Dragon with Griffon legs rampant Argent) with mailed arms, black gaiters (or battle spats, as I call them, not shown above), and black bracers. There’s also stubble make-up, although I will probably use it to enhance my eyebrows and stress-jowls for that...
Gynamsium 2000
I joined a gym last Saturday, Bally’s Total Fitness. Turns out it was a good call—I’m never going to swim in my apartment pool after finding a dead rat in it last night. The Bally’s is two blocks away and has numerous unconventional amenities, including a big pool, a jacuzzi, and an ice dip. I’ve made a schematic diagram to show how the enforcement of the ice dip...
“The Economist—a British magazine that suffers from snobbishness,...”
– TMZ’s discursive summary of the Economist, in response to Katie Couric’s admission to being a reader.
Julia, 5:35 AM Beijing time
Julia: oh cool there is a sport called extreme ironing in which you iron things in extreme situations http://www.extremeironing.com
