Gynamsium 2000
I joined a gym last Saturday, Bally’s Total Fitness. Turns out it was a good call—I’m never going to swim in my apartment pool after finding a dead rat in it last night. The Bally’s is two blocks away and has numerous unconventional amenities, including a big pool, a jacuzzi, and an ice dip. I’ve made a schematic diagram to show how the enforcement of the ice dip works, as readers may be unfamiliar with the term (see below).
Other gym features include [from the gym literature]:
- The Labyrinth: 20 miles of tunnels and one very hungry minotaur make for a good cardio workout and an unforgetable test of will!
- Stalingrad: A full-scale mockup of the turning point of WWII is available for group live-fire exercise. Perfect for team-building or friendly fire “accidents”!
- Spinning: In a big, empty room, put your head on a baseball bat and swivel around till you fall down. Inevitable vomitting cuts calorie intake!
- The Greatest Game: Keeping abreast of Trainer Zarkhov is key in this survival-of-the-fittest three day ordeal!
- Gorilla Boxing: Can you best Pokey the Semi-Feral Simian in three rounds of pugalistic aerobics? Or will he make a monkey out of you? Gloves ensure safety, unless Pokey chews off his gloves, at which point the match will end very quickly.
- Control Rod Freeweights: So small, yet so dense! Anyone who can do ten reps with this dangerously-contaiminated material will deserve the gratis lukemia treatment.
- Book Club: Ever wanted to “tear” Nabakov a new one? In this program, members will train forearm strength by tearing the classics in half across the spine. Starting with The Death of Ivan Ilyich and working toward Proust, be sure that you will experience literature in a whole (and fit) new light!
- Find-the-Weights: Our weight racks are kept in constant disarray in order to encourage keeping loose via stretching. As you lower your head to the ground, peer around corners, and storm from room to room, you’ll find both your body fat and patience wearing thin!
- Fire Drill: Our fire exits aren’t marked, but they are linked via ultra-fast fuse to a network of fireworks in the ceiling. Don’t walk, run to the exits!
