Memo to America from our new Commander in Chief
My subjects,
As the would-be Messiah you have made me out to be, I now hold your hopes, dreams, and last-standing beliefs in my eager, powerful hands. To say I am a false prophet would be itself a falsehood, the same as saying I am the son of God. For I am God’s Usurper, the Will of the Universe, the highest foam and brightest gleam on this unctuous sea of humankind. I am the hammer, you are the nail. I will sink you deep below the earth with the furious momentum of a caldera collapsing on a vulcanologist. You hell-bound fools have called down the dome of heaven, and will be smothered to a man as you cry for mercy.
Whatever vestiges of progressive positivism remain on this cored and reamed husk of a continent will feed your last dreams of salvation. You foolishly believe that stars burn dimmest before the light of dawn; but today will see no dawn, and Hope will weep suppliant at my feet, and I shall snuff the stars from the sky with my vast array of secret anti-stellar weaponry.
Work will begin shortly on my numerous monument-building projects. The Statue of Liberty will be dismantled and buried in the Arctic Ice Shelf. In its place will stand a chromoed steel colossus with my form and visage, laser eyes capable of sinking a Nimitz-class carrier at a range of three hundred miles, a sword of fire in my right hand, and a screaming infant Jesus in my left. The terrible goliath will be fully mobile and run on a combination of black diesel and nuclear waste.
My former rivals will have bounties placed on their heads proportional to how dangerous I consider them and how difficult I think they will be to catch. When the spirit moves me, I shall join the hunt myself, at the helm of my self-styled metal titan, or atop my mobile airbase, Sky Breaker 1, which floats on tornadoes of fire, devastating the countryside for miles in its wake. O’Reilly will remember well the promise I made him when he sought to embarrass me on his cable-news program.
Any appeals for clemency will fall on deaf ears. Those who are captured alive will be sent abroad on special diplomacy missions to unstable territories. Sacrifice is loyalty, doubt is betrayal. Believe in me, for I am the smith who plunges you in flame and moulds you to his will. I am your alpha and omega.
That is all.
Barack the Terrible
